


23 Jump Street: SHIELD Academy

by nonna (orphan_account)



Category: 21 Jump Street (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, SHIELD Academy, This is just crack, wtf is this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4393265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/nonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jenko and Schmidt are sent to do training at SHIELD Academy, where they bump into the Avengers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	23 Jump Street: SHIELD Academy

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS TOTAL CRACK. 
> 
> I wrote this fic at 3 am honestly and it's simply meant to be for fun, some play on the idea of Jenko & Schmidt being in the Marvel universe. There isn't really a solid plot, it's mostly focused on the characters :)
> 
> Enjoy? haha

“You two motherfuckers,” began Captain Dickson, “are going to SHIELD academy.”

He was met with two blank stares. 

“Is that where we learn how to like, shield ourselves from STD or something?” Asked Jenko.

Schmidt snorted, rolling his eyes. “Uh, no, dumbass. SHIELD Academy is for the rich kids. It’s like college, but for rich people. I heard a lot about it.” 

“I don’t know why I still have the two of you on my fucking team.” Snapped Dickson, rolling his eyes. “SHIELD is super spy organization, works with the military, scientists, does undercover jobs… I don’t know if you two fuckers heard about the Avengers, but they work with SHIELD.”

“The Avengers?” Yelled Jenko enthusiastically. “Holy _shit_ , dude! They have like, the Thor dude. He’s so muscular and everything and he has this like fucking hammer that he just throws around and––”

An eyebrow raise from Dickson was enough to stop his rambling. 

Jenko cleared his throat, sitting back in the chair. “I mean, he’s not that cool. He’s just a dude with a hammer, right?”

“Actually, my favourite is Captain America. That man has virtue, Jenko.” Said Schmidt. “And I think he’s cooler than Thor. He was in the _actual_ World War!”

“You better not pull this shit off if you meet them––” Dickson started, annoyed, before Jenko cut him off.

“We’re meeting the _Avengers_?” He exclaimed, jumping out of his seat and running around the office. “We’re meeting _the_ fucking Avengers! Holy shit, shit, _shit,_ we’re meeting the ACTUAL fucking Avengers.”

Dickson pulled out his gun, eyes narrowing on Jenko. Once again, Jenko was silenced, and he leaned against the glass wall, rubbing at the nape of his neck. They were quiet for a moment before Schdmit asked, “so when do we meet them?”

“Don’t get your hopes up; You’re gonna have to undergo some basic SHIELD training before you do any stunts with them. This isn’t an undercover drug case, this is some alien shit.”

Jenko’s eyes widened. “Bro, what if they’re aliens on drugs? Or like, drug dealer aliens? Their drugs are probably cooler than ours. How would we arrest them?”

Dickson groaned internally. “You will be at the academy by 7:30 tomorrow morning. If you’re as late as one minute, you’ll lose this whole gig. Now get outta my office.”

 

* * *

 

SHIELD training, as it turned out, was much harder than they expected. 

Well, Schmidt had expected it to be hard. He wasn’t an athlete or a good liar, and a place that trained superspies probably relied on both of those traits. He had expected, however, that they would train him a bit more… gently.

Jenko, however, had expected something _fun_. Something that involved beer and jumping over things. Of course, beer was not an option, and apparently neither was jumping over things. They just expected everyone to be able to jump over most barriers, and deemed it unworthy of actual training sessions.  

That’s why Schmidt finds himself with a broken nose after falling face down into the hard floor because he couldn't jump over a 45 cm high obstacle when running away from electric bullets being fired at him from all sides.

It’s also why Jenko finds himself with a black-eye, a broken cheekbone and vomiting in the middle of the training room because he had a one-on-one fight with a SHIELD lady and he had expected her to fight like drunk college boys. Which she didn’t, of course, because she was a fucking super spy agent who twirled in the air and moved at the light of speed.

“The Hell happened to you?” Jenko asked upon meeting Schmidt. It’d been a long day, and they were forced to train separately.

“SHIELD happened to me.” Schmidt answered, poking at the food in his plate. They had to eat healthy, apparently, because it affected their physique. And after a long shitty day, all Schdmit wanted was a burger. Not a broccoli soup with a chicken garden salad, or whatever it was. “What’s up with your eye?”

“Oh, nothing. Got into a good fight. Beat the shit out of them.” Schmidt didn’t look convinced, so Jenko sighed and admitted, “No I didn’t. I was throwing punches at her and she was like, doing Kung Fu.”

“Think Dickson did this to punish us?”

“The Hell for? I wasn’t the one that fucked his daughter.” 

Schmidt rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’m going to bed. I could use some whyphy right now.”

Jenko smiled.

Schmidt knew a bad idea was coming.

“That’s it! Why don’t we do some kind of drug, and then we get super focused and we kill it with the training!” 

“Jenko, that’s horrible. They’ll kick us out. Or kill us.”

Jenko groaned.

“What even is our mission?” Schmidt asked after a while. “I mean I’m pretty sure our mission isn’t meeting the Avengers. Dickson didn’t even specify what it was.”

“I don’t fucking know, man,” Jenko replied, “but it better be worth this shit.”

 

* * *

 

Their alarms rang at 5:30 AM. 

They weren’t amused.

“Morning run,” explained a man in a SHIELD uniform. “You need to start off with a productive morning. Trainees Jenko and Schmidt, your new SHIELD trainee uniforms are ready. Put them on after the run, before you head out for training.”

The run was horrible, of course, but the uniform was worse.

It was a body suit. Tight at all the places it shouldn’t be. Making them sweat like pigs. Making it hard to move. Hard to breathe.

Jenko was a little more comfortable in it, happy that it was showing off his figure. Schmidt assured him that it did not make him look sexy. At all.

“I mean why the fuck can’t we just get pants and a t shirt?” He complained. “I can’t even move in this. Besides, they gave us different uniforms! The dude who handed this to us had a more loose one. They’re just torturing us, oh my God.”

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later, they found that they were getting a little better with adapting to the environment. The training got harder, but they were at least getting used to their new schedules. Plus, the people at the academy were becoming friendlier.

But Schmidt still hated their food.

In general, they were improving, and things were going fairly well. 

Until there was a breach in the academy.

In their section.

Schmidt was in for his kickboxing training, while Jenko was in the stunts lesson––teaching him how to move faster and fancier––when the glass walls outside, on their floor, shattered with sudden impact. 

Their trainers paused the sessions immediately as lights began to glow red, alarms going off everywhere. 

They began to get ushered out of the rooms and down the hallway. Jenko found Schmidt in the crowd,  and began yelling, “Dude, what the fuck happened?”

“I don’t know!” Schmidt yelled back, voice barely audible over the sirens and the chatter. “I guess we got attacked?”

“Shit, man, that’s hardcore,” mused Jenko, grinning. 

Once they reached the destination, the authorized personnel began to hand out weapons and instructions. “Trainees, do not leave this room. Keep those weapons for self defence. If the case worsens, we will give you further instructions.”

“Aw, that’s no fun,” Jenko whined.

“Hey, I’d much rather stay here, safe and protected, than out there with the aliens or whatever they are. I can barely do five pushups, man.”

“Well, then you’re no fun.” Jenko huffed, though he kept a lighthearted smile. “Hey, do you think the Avengers will be called in?”

Schmidt shrugged. “I don’t know. But I kinda hope so. That’d be so cool, actually. Like, Captain America saves poor cop from aliens. And then our pictures are like, all over the news. And there’s footage on youtube.”

“You wanna be a fucking damsel in distress?”

“If it’s for Captain America? Uh, _yes please_.”  

When the situation did worsen, eventually, the Avengers were called in. Iron Man showed up first, and God, he was so much cooler in person. The suit was actually _big,_ and badass, and…

 “Swagger goals? Iron Man’s suit.” Jenko concluded. “Look at that swag! It’s a fucking suit and it walks with more swag than I ever will.”

 Up next were Natasha and Clint, and their skills were simply breathtaking. Natasha fought _aliens_ with her _bare_ hands (and some guns, or batons), but she was jumping onto them and punching them like they were some kind of… punching bags. And not big, gross, green aliens.

Hawkeye, meanwhile, could shoot the damn things while sneezing. He would fire like, five arrows at a time, and they’d all hit the targets. 

“How much SHIELD training did they have to go through to get this good?” Jenko asked. “Because if this is what I become, I’m willing to die training here for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t think it’s training. It’s probably just… some absurd talents. And man, how the Hell do they look so smooth? And… and… it just looks so _effortless_. You’d think the Black Widow’s heading to cocktail party after this, look at her perfect hair and face, and Hawkeye’s probably her date, with those fancy muscles and sunglasses, Jesus Christ.”

When Captain American jumped in, accompanied by Falcon, Schmidt practically lost his mind. 

“It’s him! It’s him, Jenko, it’s _him_ ,” he stammered, clutching Jenko’s arm. “And his badass friend, he flies with _wings_ , holy _fuck_ , Jenko, it’s Captain America, oh my God, it’s him.”

“Dude, calm down,” Jenko responded, looking around. “Hey, by the way, where’s Thor?”

 Thor hadn’t shown up, but before Jenko could look around further, he felt Schmidt’s presence disappear next to him. Sure enough, Schmidt was _running off to the scene_. He was actually running off to the aliens.

 He wasn’t kidding about the damsel in distress thing.

 Fuck.

“Schmidt!” He called out, running after him. “Where are you going?”

Schmidt turned around, pausing in his tracks, and looked at his friend. “It’s time I played selfless here. You always took the bullet for me, and now it’s time that I do the same for you.”

“What the fuck?” Jenko asked, throwing his arms up. “This is the worst time for you to do this. We don’t even really have to get involved, you know, so this doesn’t really… count as taking a bullet for me. Besides, last time you said this, _I_ got shot in the other arm!”

Schdmit shook his head, determined. “If fighting aliens means I save my best friend, then I’ll do it.”

Jenko furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “Why are you being so fucking dramatic?”

“Becuase Captain America is here!” Schmidt replied, making his _duh_ face. “This is like, my only chance to be noticed by him! And I guess I tried to kind of sound cool.”

“You’re fucking crazy, man,” Jenko laughed. “You’re gonna get yourself killed. Come on, let’s g back to the trainee room, and…”

And Thor was here.

“Hello, friends!” He exclaimed. “I see we have some aliens to fight today! Man of Iron, are we still keeping track of our records?”

“Of course,” came Iron Man’s metallic voice. “I’m close to beating you. Two hundred more aliens down and I win.”

Thor laughed. “We shall see.”

“Jenko?”

Jenko looked back at Schmidt.

“Just… go back to the trainee room, and I’ll, uh,” Jenko stammered, eyes swivelling back to Thor. 

One of the aliens started making its way towards Thor, and Jenko ran forward. 

“Thor, watch out!” He yelled. Thor didn’t hear him.

But Captain America did. So he looked at them.

And Schmidt decided to jump in front of Jenko, to prove to Captain America that he was a brave cop. 

And, as per usual, he fell forward, and Jenko took the hit.

Except this time it wasn’t a bullet, it some kind of an… alien… electric…. knife… _thing_ that sent Jenko down as soon as it hit his leg.

“Jenko! Shit, man, I’m so sorry!” Schmidt shrieked. “I actually wanted to help you this time, I swear, I––”

“Gah!” Jenko screamed, clutching his leg. This alien shit was _painful_. What did they put in their knives? Dickson better not get his hands on this technology.

Steve Rogers approached them, casually pushing away the aliens with his shield as he made his way over. “Agents. Is everything okay?”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD,” exclaimed Schmidt, “YOU SOUND EVEN BETTER THAN I EXPECTED. HOLY _SHIT_. I’m such a fan. I’m such a big fan, Captain, you’re like, my biggest superhero. You’re like, everthing I want to be in life. You––”

 “Uh, thank you,” responded Steve, shifting his eyes to Jenko’s screaming form. “But I think you friend might not need some immediate help. I saw him jump in to save Thor, I think, and that’s… heroic of him. Thank you,” he said to Jenko.

“Wait, so you didn’t see me jump in front of him?” Schmidt pressed. “Like I actually tried to save my friend and all, jumped in to save him… you didn’t see that?”

Steve gave him an amused smile, an eyebrow raised. “I… did. That’s very heroic as well. In any case, I’ll have the medics come help your friend. What’s his name? I think we can stop by after this is over and express our gratitude.”

“Oh, my name is Morton Schmidt. It’d be amazing for you guys to stop by to see us, really, it means a lot to me.” Schmidt said as Steve kicked away another alien. “Oh, and this is Greg Jenko.”

Steve nodded, unsure of what to say, and forced a smile. “Well, thank you agents for trying to do your job. But don’t do this again. The Avengers are here to help to _you_ and keep you out of danger.”

“You guys are awesome.” Schmidt grinned, and leaned in for a hug. Steve reluctantly pushed him away, smile still plastered onto his face, and threw his shield at an alien before running off to continue the fight. 

 

* * *

 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, man,” Schmidt told Jenko when he woke up.

The medics had come, as promised, and had ushered Jenko to the SHIELD academy medical centre. They apparently had previous experience with those aliens, and had known how to treat it. Jenko had been stung by an alien ray stick thing, which was an actual alien _body_ _part_. 

Jenko would never live that down.

“Thanks,” he muttered, eyes still closed as he lay down on the hospital bed.

“You know, I can’t believe you caught Captain America’s attention before I did. Thor didn’t even acknowledge your presence,” Schmidt complained.

Jenko huffed, opening his eyes slowly as he slurred, “Maybe if you actually took the fucking bullet––ray––for once, you would have caught Captain’s attention.”

Schmidt crossed his arms defiantly. “Well, it’s the intention that counts!”

“It’s not.” 

“It is!”

A soft knocking on the door caught their attention. Steve was standing in the doorway, hand on the open door. He looked at them with an uncertain smile. “Agent Jenko?”

“Yeah, I’m Agent Schmidt,” greeted Schmidt, standing up and walking over to Steve. He held his hand out, and Steve took it, shaking it lightly. “Thank you for coming by, we really appreciate it. It’s been a long day.”

Steve nodded, walking into the room. Schmidt walked alongside him. 

Jenko was attempting to push himself up into a sitting position, but whatever sedatives he’d been given made it nearly impossible. He could barely move his limbs, his head felt heavy, and he just wanted to fall back asleep.

Schmidt helped him sit up. “Dude, Captain America’s here.”

Jenko grinned––or thought he did, anyway––when he looked at Steve. “Captain America, dude, it’s so great to see you.”

“Steve,” Steve corrected, “you can just call me Steve. I came here to personally thank you for having Thor’s back. It’s always good to see that our SHIELD agents are willing to risk their lives to save others.”

“Right? It’s the intention that counts, isn’t it? I risked my life for Jenko like, three times now. It didn’t work out, but I tried.”

Steve chuckled, once again giving him an amused look. “Intentions do count, of course. They’re part of what makes the difference between a hero and a villain.”

“Damn right!” Schmidt yelled excitedly. He looked at Jenko and added, “Take that, motherfucker!”

“Ugh, whatever.”

Steve cleared his throat, starting to feel a little awkward. “In any case, Thor said he’ll be stopping by sometime tomorrow morning. He had some errands to run by in Asgard, but he’ll be back.” 

“Fuck yes,” whispered Jenko. 

 

* * *

 

Thankfully, by the next morning, Jenko was feeling more conscious. They’d lowered the dosage of the medication, and he was told he could leave the medical centre by evening. 

 Thor stopped by during the afternoon. He was grinning, as usual. The dude just seemed really happy all the time.

“Noble Jenko!” He thundered. “I have been informed that you took a hit from the ferocious alien in order to protect me from it! I have come here to thank you myself.”

Jenko really, really wanted to touch his hair.

And maybe his abs. And biceps.

“Oh, it was no big deal,” he said instead, trying to sound nonchalant. “I mean, that’s my job, you know? I’m a cop, that’s what we do. We save people, and stuff.”

“Indeed, Midgardian policemen have fought well by our side.” Thor agreed, clapping Jenko’s shoulder. 

Jenko nodded silently, before clearing his throat and whispering, “Hey, can I like, hug you? If it’s cool with you and all.”

Thor answered with a hug.

 

* * *

 

Once Jenko and Schmidt stepped outside of the medical centre, they were greeted with the sight of Captain Dickson. He didn’t look too happy.

“I sent you two motherfuckers to SHIELD academy to get some fighting and undercover skills, and you come out of it meeting the Avengers. And why the _fuck_ didn’t you get me Iron Man’s autograph?”

“Wait, what?” Asked Schmidt. “I thought our mission was eventually going to get us meeting the Avengers. We were just lucky in enough to meet them a bit earlier, and, you know, show them how heroic we are and all.”

“You didn’t _have_ a mission,” said Dickson. “I sent you here so you can get some actual training, because police academy clearly wasn’t enough for you. Used the Avengers as bait, knowing you’d only come here for something like that.”

A small _ding_ sounded in Jenko’s head as he, once again, understood the situation a little too late. He burst out laughing. “Oh, fuck! Well, your punishment clearly didn’t go as planned. Ha! We met the fucking _Avengers_ , Dickson! I _hugged_ the motherfucking THOR, oh my _GOD!_ Jokes on you, man. Jokes on you.”

Dickson rolled his eyes.


End file.
